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Crochet N More

Volume XIV, Issue No. 23
December 15, 2011

Serving approximately 6,000 crafters...

(This newsletter distributed FREE via e-mail only on the 15th and 30th of each month)


Thank you for requesting the Crochet 'N' More Newsletter.
We hope to provide you with exciting information on the latest web developments pertaining to the Crochet 'N' More website as well as two of my original patterns in each issue.

If the Crochet N More website and/or
Crochet N More Newsletter
have been helpful to you and you
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God Bless You!





Dear Subscriber:

Thank you for your continued support of the Crochet 'N' More Newsletter and website. We thank God for giving us the ability and allowing us to share our free crochet patterns and information with you, all while being a witness for Him. We truly enjoy serving you and hope to be able to continue serving you in the new year. May this Christmas season bring you many happy memories of time spent with family and friends.

Merry Christmas

We would also like to invite you to
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your life to Christ this holiday season.


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New Crocheters
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Learn to Crochet: A Beginner's Guide

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Post your crochet question on
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RE: pattern idea

I was asked to make a baby blankie for a girl using the colors pale blue, pale yellow, and gray. When I showed the colors to Mommy-to-be she said she wanted all three in the blankie. My problem is I don't know how to make a blanket that will look nice with those colors. Does anyone have a suggestion? I am using Caron soft yarn.



Try these patterns:

Lisa Hamblin
















Mary Did You Know?

"Therefore the Lord Himself will give you a sign: Behold, a virgin will be with child and bear a son, and she will call His name Immanuel"

Isaiah 7:14

Behold, the virgin shall be with child, and shall bear a Son, and they shall call His name Immanuel, which translated means, "God with us."

Matthew 1:23


Now in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God to a city in Galilee, called Nazareth, to a virgin engaged to a man whose name was Joseph, of the descendants of David; and the virgin's name was Mary. And coming in, he said to her, "Hail, favored one! The Lord is with you." But she was greatly troubled at this statement, and kept pondering what kind of salutation this might be. And the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary; for you have found favor with God. And behold, you will conceive in your womb, and bear a son, and you shall name Him Jesus. He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Most High; and the Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David; and He will reign over the house of Jacob forever; and His kingdom will have no end."

Luke 1:26-33


"Now it came about in those days that a decree went out from Caesar Augustus, that a census be taken of all the inhabited earth. This was the first census taken while Quirinius was governor of Syria. And all were proceeding to register form the census, everyone to his own city. And Joseph also went up from Galilee, from the city of Nazareth, to Judea, to the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and family of David, in order to register, along with Mary, who was engaged to him, and was with child. And it came about that while they were there, the days were completed for her to give birth. And she gave birth to her first-born son; and she wrapped Him in cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn."

Luke 2:1-7



This quote is from Our Daily Bread - December, 2011 Issue

Be careful the environment you choose, for it will
shape you; be careful the friends you choose, for
you will become like them.  - W. Clement Stone

"For where two or three have gathered
together in My name, there I am in their midst."
Matthew 18:20

Please click here and pray for those on our Prayer List


Why didn't the wise men return
to Herod after they took gifts to baby Jesus?


Click Here for the Answer

Click Here to Purchase
"The Complete Book of Bible Trivia"

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Only major page changes will be listed here.

The following patterns will be added to our Free Patterns soon.

Dog Bone Christmas Stocking Crochet Pattern


Puffs All Over Baby Hat Crochet Pattern




The following link(s) have been added to our links pages.


None at this time.






However, these patterns will be added to the Crochet 'N' More website after the next issue is sent out.



Baby Christmas Hat Crochet Pattern



Check out all of our free crochet patterns.

Purchase your crochet supplies today!

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(A different crochet stitch and/or tip featured in each issue...
to be added later to the Crochet Basics page)


There are many variations of the Bobble Stitch.
Bobbles can be comprised of any multiple of stitches.

The following are instructions for a Bobble stitch based on 5 double crochet stitches.

Yarn over
insert hook in space indicated
yarn over
draw loop through
yarn over
draw through 2 loops on the hook

(yarn over,
insert hook in same space,
yarn over,
draw loop through
yarn over,
draw through 2 loops on hook) 4 times

yarn over,
draw through all 6 loops on hook
ch 1

Though similar a popcorn stitch, a bobble stitch is created by working a series of incomplete stitches and all of those stitches are joined at the top. Popcorn Stitches are worked using completed stitches the first and last stitches being joined to complete the stitch.















"On-line encyclopedia of knitting and crochet facts"


If you experience pain or discomfort in your hands when crocheting it may be a result of the hook shaft being too slender. Watch the following video for tips to modify your crochet hooks for a more comfortable crochet experience.









Scrap Yarn Ideas ... do you have number 90?


The following page is compilation of uses for scrap yarns:

If you have a use that's not listed email me!


NOTE: Any comments left on the CNM website or sent via email may be posted here.

Leave your message in our guestbook... and it may appear in an issue of the CNM Newsletter!

Just wanted to stop by and say I am so happy you have decided to create and share crochet how to videos on the tube! I look forward to seeing them. I myself sometimes have to read patterns multiple times, pull out stitches and try again when I try a new pattern with stitches I have never made before. Even though I have crocheted for what seems like forever my knowledge of stitches is limited because I have my pet stitches I love... like my hdc that I can't seem to break away from. LOL Lucky because of my experience when I do want to learn something new I do learn quickly once I solve the problems I am having. I am a hands on, visual learner so for me videos are the best.

Don't change a thing with your videos... They are perfect...

     * Great Audio
     * Great Video Quality
     * Perfect background so we can see your hands, yarn and crochet hook.
     * Your pace is spot on! Others who make videos go to fast.

The information you share is fantastic! Very detailed! Example: How to count the number of chains (How to Crochet - Yarn over and Chain Stitch) that was such a great addition to the video!

I myself would love to see on video how you create your beautiful squares like your apple afghan square for example. I have created these squares before but I taught myself from a pattern and I would love to see the back of your finished squares to see if I truly am doing it right way. I find it difficult making sure it is correct. It may be because I tend to be a perfectionist. LOL This of course is just a suggestion but I thought I would mention it. Since the Crochet Master is now on You Tube! =) LOL

Also what a inspiration your newsletter was to my holiday gift plans! I love the candy cane reindeer! I bought a extra box of candy canes this year so I could tape them to the packages! Now I get to turn them into reindeer! They will look so nice! My brother's dog gets dog bones from us on Christmas each year. This year they are going into a dog bone stocking! Christmas is my favorite holiday. I just love spending time with the family it is the best part for me.

Thanks so much! Take Care and Happy Holidays My Creative Friend.
T =)

T (Tina)
Site Owner
Email Tina
Live, Laugh, Love... Create!
Have a Happy Creative Day! :-)

The following two videos are a complete tutorial for our
Row Count Purple Heart Coaster
pattern. Color changes in
all of our "row count" patterns are worked in the same manner.

How to Crochet - Row Count Pattern/Color Changes - Part 1
How to Crochet - Row Count Pattern/Color Changes - Part 2

Via the Crochetnmore Facebook page:

RE: Knooking

This new technique is similar to crochet and knitting. I think it helps if you already know how to crochet and knit in order to learn to knook. I wasn't particularly fond of it personally but want to share this page with you because it has video tutorials linked that are correctly done, unlike some I've seen online.

See what our viewers think about knooking :

Pattern link posted on the Crochetnmore Facebook page

Another quick and easy pattern:


This is so cute!
Thank you so much for the pattern.
Sylvia L. Vasquez-Ellis

RE: Barbs_Floppy_Brim_Hat

Love your pattern. What was your gauge? What was the head circumference? Is this a one size fits all type of pattern for the average woman?

<< reply >>

To be honest, I made this for a lady who had cancer and
failed to note the gauge. The hat should fit an adult lady
if you use the same materials and keep an even tension.

Good morning Lisa,

I am left handed and I recently purchased a double ended crotchet hook. I am having a terrible time getting the hook to stay facing the way I am comfortable. Is there anything I can do, or do they make them just for right handed people?

Thanks for you time and consideration in this matter.


<< reply >>

You may try adding a comfort cushion:
or a pencil grip to the hook to keep it from turning while you work.

Subject: Baby_Pigtail_Hat

I am very interested in making this hat for my 6 week old granddaughter. Do you have adjustments for the Baby Pigtail hat for bigger sizes? I also tend to crochet rather tightly and the last two hats I’ve made have been too small—her head is now 16.25”. Thanks for your help—I know how to crochet, but don’t have a clue how to adjust sizes.
Thank you,
Pam Taylor

<< reply >>

If you only need a slightly larger size for the Baby Pigtail Hat
you can increase your hook size. The hat in the photo on the
pattern page is modeled by a doll that is near newborn size.

You can also achieve a larger size by starting out with more than 25
chains when beginning Row 1, then continuing with the pattern. Since
the baby’s head is 16.25 inches, your foundation chain should measure
near half.

The number of chains needed will also depend on your personal yarn choice and hook size.
If you use the yarn I did for the pattern and your tension is normally tight... I suggest going
up one or two hooks sizes and see how that works out.

Subject: Baby_Beanie

I'am a beginner so i'm not sure what sl st bet means.
I do understand slip stitch but not bet.


<< reply >>

To sl st bet means to work the slip stitch in between the
actual posts of the stitches. Just think of a stitch resembling
a fence post... work in between two posts instead of into one.

Hey, I am working on the adult size beanie. What do you mean by “sl st between next two stitches”, Round 4? Do you mean to slip stitch in the middle of the chain 3’s from the beginning of round 3?

Thank you.
Ranee Craft

<< reply >>

When working between stitches you work into the space between the two stitches.
Think of each of the double crochet stitches as little fence posts... work in between
the posts instead of into the actual stitches. Then when Round 4 is finished you
slip stitch in the top of the beginning chain 3 to join.

Via the Crochetnmore Facebook page:

I have a question how do you keep track of your rows and stitches?
Misty Jordan

<< reply >>

To keep track of your stitches, try to complete an entire row or round of your pattern before taking a break. If the pattern is complicated... you can write the instructions for each row on index cards. (If the instructions for one row is lengthy you can break it down onto multiple index cards to keep the pattern workable) To keep track of rows you can make a list of the row numbers and check off each one as you go.

Subject: HangingFingerTipTowel

Yes I know Jesus, praise the Lord.
I looked on the web site for a dish towel to hang on the stove for
drying dishes. I want to crochet the top part of the dish towel and
hang it on my stove. I did one last night and the towel is to long,
almost touches the floor. That's not right ! What is your way of
crocheting at the top? Do you have a pattern for that?
Thanks and God bless you
Rose in Michigan

<< reply >>

I have a couple of patterns for towel toppers that are attached to the dishtowel here:

You might enjoy my No Sew Towel Topper pattern:
It's made separately and then a towel is inserted through a loop.
When the towel gets dirty simply change the towel.

<< Roses's Reply >>

Thank you so much for your reply, it helps a lot.
God Bless you

Pattern link posted on the Crochetnmore Facebook page:


Made these as gifts one year. They're very nice and work up quickly.
Nancy Nemeth Gile

I love it!

Re: Row Count Stocking Coaster Crochet Pattern

These are really pretty, Lisa! :0)

I am just beginning my crochet adventures. I am really in love with
your pattern for dogs. I am just not sure if I can follow the
Schnauzer measures for a cat. Do I measure the chest and go on?
Thank you in advance.

<< reply >>


My original Dog Sweater pattern on this page:
is adjustable for any dog breed and viewers have
made this same sweater pattern for their cats.

The alteration instructions are on the pattern page
to help you fit your furry friend.

Re: Picture_Frame

First of all, thank you for such a wonderful site. I just came across this site and i got interested in crocheting (This is the first time I am doing crochet ). I would like to try out the photo frame. Could you please let me know where to get the plastic canvas mentioned ( ). We are located in Kansas City, USA.


<< reply >>

I bought my plastic canvas at Wal-Mart.
It comes in various size sheets and sometimes you can buy different
colors. You can purchase it at just about any craft store like Michaels
or Hobby Lobby also.

RE: Snowflake on crochet n more

I cannot understand Row 3. Can you explain a little better? You say on Row 2 to sl stin 2nd ch of beg ch4. I understand that. But Row 3 says to sl st twice in the next ch 4 sp. then ch 4, and sl st in next ch 4. This does not seem to look right. Can you explain a little more clearly? Thank you.
Mary Ann Gray

<< reply >>

First of all, thank you for writing.
This was one of the very first patterns I posted online and
in looking back at it I was definitely a novice at writing a pattern
at that time. See if this makes more sense:

RND 1: Ch 6, join to form a ring. Ch 4, working inside ring (dc, ch 1) 9 times. Join with sl st in 3rd ch of beg ch 4. (10dc & 10 ch-1 sps)

RND 2: Do not turn. *Sl st in next ch 1 sp, ch 4. Rep from * around. Sl st to join in the first ch of the beg ch 4.

RND 3: Do not turn. Sl st twice in next ch 4 sp.* Ch 4, sl st in next ch 4 sp. Rep from * around. Sl st to join in the first ch of the beg ch 4.


Weave in ends and add hanger.

Crochetnmore Youtube Channel Comments

How to Crochet - Row Count Pattern/Color Changes - Part 2


great video x

I have never learned how to crochet with two colors.
Thank you so much for this demo, I love it.
haystack531 1

Crochetnmore Youtube Channel Comments

How to Crochet - Getting Started

This was great start, thank you! I look forward to more.
Ladyborg 2 weeks

Wow, I just stumbled onto your website, and finally found basic information on how to learn to crochet. I wish I had seen this before, as I was getting frustrated with even the easiest stitch. I have now bookmarked this site, and will sit here with my hook and yarn, and learn right from the bottom up. Thank you ever so much for taking the time to produce these videos and I can hardly wait to start.

Re: turning


<< reply >>

Turn only on the specified rounds (16-21)... you should be
asked to join the current round before turning to begin the next
round so that every other round will be worked in the opposite

<< Mike's Reply >>



Subject: ReadAPattern

Pattern says: “Row 3: Ch 6 (counts as first dc plus ch 3), turn; dc in same st, ...”

Can you tell me what the heck she means by the part in red? I’m baffled by “in same st”. I can’t figure out what the “same stitch” is.


Pam Brimhall

<< reply >>

For your Row 3 you chain 6.
3 of the 6 chains count as one double crochet stitch and the other three count as a chain 3 space.
turn the work
now work one double crochet into same stitch the 6 chains come up
from... a/k/a “dc in same st”.

RE: Row_Count_Breast_Cancer_Ribbon_Afghan_Square

This is my first time crocheting with two yarns and it is very important for me to learn to do the square for my niece who is battling leukemia, do have any tips on how work the yarns.

Jessie Zavala
El Paso, Texas

<< reply >>

I’m sorry to hear that your cousin is battling leukemia.
Prayers for her healing.

I have just begun making crochet videos and I just added
two videos that show how to do one of the row count coaster

Complete Demonstration of how to crochet the Row Count Purple Heart Coaster - Part 1

Complete Demonstration of how to crochet the Row Count Purple Heart Coaster - Part 2

The afghan squares are worked in the same fashion.
I hope this helps.

Hi there…I am interested in a relatively easy cross I can crochet as a gift for Christmas.

Do you have suggestions for something a little more simple/easier?


<< reply >>

Here are a few cross patterns you might like:!/2008/12/crochet-shell-cross.html

This one is nice but you must download it:

Hope one of these is suitable.


Re: crochet candy cane reindeer

For years and years, my mother and I have been making candy cane reindeer for present toppers, tree decorations, you name it. My best friend and I made them to cover his Christmas tree while we were in college (in 1988). He says he still has one or two left but of course the candy is kind of soft and melted (I thought candy lasted forever lol). Anyway I was so delighted to see your adorable pattern. Thank you. One question, have you tried to do it without the actual candy cane, maybe removing it just before you finish off. I am not sure how that would work since I have just taught myself to crochet a month ago.

Thank you,

<< reply >>

I’m glad you like the Candy Cane Reindeer pattern.
I make the Reindeer and then insert a candy cane.
That way the candy cane can be removed for storage
and a fresh one can be used each year.

I didn’t realize, until I looked at the pattern page, that
I hadn’t noted when to insert the candy cane. Thanks
for emailing me... I have added that to the pattern page.

<< Robin's Reply >>

Thank you so much for getting back to me. Your timing could not be more perfect. My mother was visiting for Thanksgiving and I showed her the pattern and shared having recently taught myself to crochet (I have been knitting since I was in college). My mother and I used to make the actual candy cane reindeer together and she was delighted with your pattern and I think it was one of the factors in encouraging her to ask me to teach her how to crochet. She is one of those people, an artist, gifted, crafty, and who believes that if she was not born with the skill, she can never learn. By the time she left she was chaining away and had added slip stitches and sc to her tool bag. I really do think your pattern brought her back about 20 years to when she taught me about the candy cane reindeer.

Thank you!!!!
Be well and happy holidays,

<< My Reply >>

You’re very welcome Robin.
I’m so glad my pattern sparked memories for you and your
Mom... and for her to decide to crochet them is an added bonus!

Thank you for adding me to your newsletter list, I have been crocheting since I was 10yrs old and next birthday I will be 64 yrs old.
I always say that crocheting is my way of keeping my nerves in check.
I am looking for a baby afgan pattern that I did many years ago, we moved and somehow I can't find it any where, it was the Prayer " now I lay me down to sleep" it was done in 4 ply and the prayer was done in puff stiches, I hope maybe you or one of the other members might have a copy of this,
Please let me know if you or anyone has this wonderful baby afgan pattern, I really liked it and miss it.\
Patty Morris

<< reply >>

You’re very welcome Patty... I hope you are enjoying what
the Crochetnmore Newsletter has to offer.

Like you, crocheting helps me relax also.

I’ve searched online with no luck finding the pattern you mentioned.
I taught our daughter a version of that prayer when she was little.
I was afraid the part about dying would scare her so we said it like this:

Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
Guide me safely through the night
and wake me with the morning light.

I will keep this idea in mind for future designs.

In the meantime, you might enjoy this pattern:

I see the crochet pattern for the hot pads.
Can I use any kind of yarn? I wasn't sure if the hot pan would burn it.

<< reply >>

I have made hot pads using 100% acrylic yarn but many do not recommend it.
According to this page:
acrylic will melt around 500 degrees.
Personally, I never bake anything above about 425 and haven’t had any problems
using the items I’ve made using acrylic yarn but still prefer hot pads and dish cloths
to be made using 100% cotton yarn.

Re: Toilet Paper Hangers based on your design

I loved your design for a crocheted toilet roll holder, but needed one to hold four rolls at a time, because I usually buy 4-roll packs here in Adelaide, South Australia, and life's too short and our "loos" too small on space to keep to-ing and fro-ing with one spare at a time. (And the tops of our toilet tanks slope, so there isn't room to sit a spare on top.)

After long hesitation, and being unable to find instructions specifically for multi-roll holders, I simply made the original per your free pattern (bless you), crocheted three successive ones onto it. Then I really got into it and added pink ribbon and ribbon roses to the one in our more conservatively decorated guest loo, and made a second one with red (my favorite color) for the one in the ensuite off our master bedroom. Photos are below.

Thanks so much for a super pattern; sorry, but I don't use the social networks, myself, but I don't mind you sharing this with your fans if you want to.


(Mrs.) Carla F. Cripps

<< reply >>

Your photos didn't come through in the email
you sent but I will gladly include your note in
a future issue of the CNM Newsletter in hopes
of informing other.

Re: ReadAPattern

I am currently trying to do a project and I am not sure of what this term means, so some clarification would be of great assistance.

The pattern reads

Rows 10-27 – (repeat rows 7,8 & 9) six more times.

Am I righting in thinking that when I get to row 10 I repeat rows 7 8 & 9 (6 more times)
but do not count Row 10 after I have completed the repeated rows.

I hope I have made sense, but your help would be much appreciated

Kind Regards
Natasha Edwards


<< reply >>

When the pattern reads
Rows 10-27 – (repeat rows 7,8 & 9) six more times... that means you repeat these rows:

Row 10 – repeat row 7

Row 11 – repeat row 8

Row 12 – repeat row 9

Row 13 – repeat row 7

Row 14 – repeat row 8

Row 15 – repeat row 9

Row 16 – repeat row 7

Row 17 – repeat row 8

Row 18 – repeat row 9

Row 19 – repeat row 7

Row 20 – repeat row 8

Row 21 – repeat row 9

Row 22 – repeat row 7

Row 23 – repeat row 8

Row 24 – repeat row 9

Row 25 – repeat row 7

Row 26 – repeat row 8

Row 27 – repeat row 9

After this you should have a total of 27 rows altogether in your project.


Kind words can be short and easy to speak,
but their echoes are truly endless.
                                   Mother Teresa


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This book is a wonderful addition to any crochet library.
I've had numerous requests over the years of what to crochet for boys.
Crobots are definitely the answer!
This 96-page book is filled with numerous types of Crobot patterns as well as well-illustrated instructions for the
crochet stitches, assembly stitches and other embellishments used in the patterns.
The patterns are well written, some of the book is written in a small font but the pictures are wonderful. NOTE: This book comes to you with a safety warning regarding the small parts used in the patterns.
Therefore, please use your own discretion as to the age of the child you intend the gift for.

I have to tell you about this new book.'s Fabulous & Flirty Crochet
I'm so happy to have it in my crochet library.Katherine Lee has an eye for style and a definite knack for creating beautiful crochet patterns.
I was really happy with the large colorful project photos.
There's something for everyone!
The aspect of Fabulous and Flirty Crochet that stood out to me was the section on the yarns
used in the patterns. One page shows "actual size" photos of the yarns which makes it super
easy to substitute other yarns if you want to. For those who stay strictly to the recommended
yarn in a pattern Katherine has included a yarn resource list. The projects are very fashionable
and perfect for gift giving... though I'm sure you'll have to make something for yourself :o)
I can't wait to try the Flirty Skirt and the Ruffled Strap Tank.

Get your copy of Fabulous & Flirty Crochet today!


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~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Laughter is an instant vacation." - Milton Berle
~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"

In a Vet's Office:
"All unattended children given free kitten"

In a Veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

On Maternity Room Door:
"Push, Push, Push."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome - dog food is expensive."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

The minister of a well-attended, strong, and enthusiastic
church often showed himself ready and able to deal with any
situation that might come up.

One Sunday, just as the minister was reaching the climax
of his sermon, his own young son entered the church, ran to
the center aisle, started making loud beeps and brrrmms like
a car without a muffler, then zoomed right toward him.

The minister stopped his sermon, pointed severely at his son,
and commanded, "Jimmy, park the car immediately beside your
mother on that bench (pointing), turn off the ignition, and
hand her the keys."

The sermon continued undisturbed...after a good laugh by the

I brought four tires to a friend's garage sale and was asking
$30 apiece.

I needed to leave for a few minutes, so I asked my friend if he
could watch them for me. He agreed and asked, "If someone came
along and offered less, how low would you go?"

"Try for more, but I will accept $15," I said and left.

An hour later, I returned to find my tires were gone. "How much
did you get for them?" I asked.

My friend proudly replied, "Fifteen dollars each."

"Who bought them?" I inquired.

"I did," he said.

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball

in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his

mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes,

returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.

"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

A preacher was making a wooden trellis to support a climbing vine. As he was pounding away, he noticed that a little boy was watching him. The youngster did not say a word, so the preacher kept working. He was sure the lad would soon leave -- but he didn't. Pleased at the thought that his work was being admired, the preacher finally said, "Well, son, trying to pick up some pointers on carpentry work?"

"Nope. I'm just waiting to hear what a preacher says when he hits his thumb with a hammer."

In a grammar lesson in eighth grade, Mrs. O’Neill said, “Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object.”

Paul replied. “Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school.”

“Thank you, Paul,” responded Mrs. O’Neill, “but what is the object?”

“To get the best mark possible,” said Paul.

The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must
have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached
my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of
her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out
someone to give you an estimate?"

"Not at all," my son said.

"When would be a good time?" she asked.

My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my first day driving a cab . . . I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would
you please do my homework for me?"
The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."
"Yeah, I know," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least
give it a try, couldn't you?"

Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers?


It's called On & On Anon.

John went to visit his old grandfather in a secluded area of Georgia. After chatting all night John's grandfather made a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film on his plate, and questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them.
Just finish your meal!"

For lunch John worried that the plates had dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" The old man said, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now I don't want to hear any more about it!"

Later that afternoon, as John was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, not letting him pass. John yelled, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car."

The old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lie down!"


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