Crochet N More
Newsletter

Volume XII, Issue No. 4
February 28, 2009

Serving approximately 5,400 crafters...

(This newsletter distributed FREE via e-mail only on the 15th and 30th of each month)

Thank you for requesting the Crochet 'N' More Newsletter.
We hope to provide you with exciting information on the latest web developments pertaining to the Crochet 'N' More website as well as two of my original patterns in each issue.

If the Crochet N More website and/or Crochet N More Newsletter
have been helpful to you and you would like to make a donation

Click Here

THIS ISSUE IS SPONSORED BY:

PROM 2009

022809

My 12 year old daughter, Haley, has been working on designing
some crochet themed shirts that you may be interested in.

Crochet Shirt - So Much Yarn, So Little Time!
You can check them out here:
http://www.cafepress.com/crochetnmore
Shes working on some additional designs so stay tuned.

cont.

God Bless You!

FEATURES IN THIS ISSUE:

GENERAL NEWS
QUESTIONS FROM THE CNM MESSAGE BOARD
WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
BIBLE TRIVIA
PAGES UPDATED
NEW LINKS
MEMBER PATTERNS
CROCHET STITCH or TECHNIQUE
CROCHET TIP
VIEWER FEEDBACK
CONTEST/GIVE-AWAY INFORMATION
CLASSIFIED SECTION
HUMOR


GENERAL NEWS

Dear Subscriber:

Saint Patrick's Day is amost here.
Try our Shamrock Coaster pattern.

Check out the following page for more nice patterns:
http://www.crochetpatterncentral.com/directory/stpatricksday.php

 

Also, check out Haley's dog for a good laugh:
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=53208473

Lisa and Tim

 

 

The Breast Cancer Site

 


PEN PAL?

If you would like to be added to the Crochet 'N' More Pen Pal list please send an email including the following:
Name, Email Address and Interests.
(For interests, please send General Information Only such as what types of things you enjoy crocheting, your favorite threads and/or yarns, etc. Please, no personal information such as age, marital status, snail mail address, etc., and limit your entry to 25-35 words.)


QUESTIONS FROM
THE CNM MESSAGE BOARD


Post your crochet question on The Crochet 'N' More Message Board and you might see it here!

QUESTION:

RE: Looking for Discontinued Christmas Ombre Yarn

I am looking for a 4 ply Christmas craft yarn that was available a couple years ago with the following colors: white, green, red and silver. It might have been Red Heart or Lion Brand. Does anyone know where I might find such yarn? I would even be pleased to find scrap yarn. Thank you.
Joan Johnson

ANSWER:

I FIND CHRISTMAS OMBRE YARN AT SPINRITE
http://www.thefind.com/crafts/info-ombre-yarn
Hope this helps and good luck.
JJKnitter

 


WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT


"Life was not designed
to give us what we need,
but what we deserve."
Author Unknown

 

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has beheld God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us. By this we know that we abide in Him and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit. And we have beheld and bear witness that the Father has sent the Son to be the Savior of the world. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God.

1 John 4:7-15

A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; even as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

John 13:34-35

We love, because He first loved us.

1 John 4:19

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life."

John 3:16

And He said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind."

Matthew 22:37

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

1 Corinthians 13:3-8

 

"GOD'S LOVE IS A FABRIC THAT
NEVER FADES, NO MATTER HOW
OFTEN IT IS WASHED IN THE
WATERS OF ADVERSITY."

This quote is from Our Daily Bread - February, 2009 Issue.


"Only those who KNOCK
deserve to find an open door."
Author Unknown



"For where two or three have gathered together in My name, there I am in their midst." Matthew 18:20


Please click here and pray for those on our Prayer List


BIBLE TRIVIA


Fill in the blanks:

But _______ the son of Nun and ______ the son of Jephunneh
remained alive out of those men who went to spy out the land.

Click Here for the Answer

 

Click Here to Purchase
"The Complete Book of Bible Trivia"

 

Click here for more Bible Trivia


PAGES UPDATED

Only major page changes will be listed here.


FREE PATTERNS
The following patterns will be added to our Free Patterns soon.

 

Bunny Ears Crochet Pattern
BUNNY EARS

 

Sasha's Dishcloth Crochet Pattern
SASHA'S DISHCLOTH

 

 

 

 

The following page is a list of uses of scrap yarns:
SCRAP YARN IDEAS

 

 

 

 

 

 


NEW LINKS


The following link(s) have been added to our links pages.

JANET MARIE'S HOPE CHEST

 

 

 

 


MEMBER PATTERNS


(SUBSCRIBERS SEE THESE FIRST)
However, these patterns will be added to the Crochet 'N' More website after the next issue is sent out.

 


INDEX CARD HOLDER

 


EASTER HOTPAD

 

 

 

 

Purchase your crochet supplies today!

Use the promotion code below
in your online shopping basket:

 
  Clearance Sale
   
 
Click here to see our growing collection of FREE PATTERNS  

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 




 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 




CROCHET STITCH or TECHNIQUE

(A different crochet stitch and/or tip featured in each issue...
to be added later to the Crochet Basics page)



MULTIPLE OF

VIEWER QUESTION

RE: Scarf/Afghan

Hi!
I do know how to crochet but I do not know and understand how the math part goes.
This is a scarf but I want to make it into an adult afghan.
Can you help me?
Thank You, Debbie

ANSWER

The following information is toward the bottom of the pattern page.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
USE THE FOLLOWING SUGGESTIONS
FOR OTHER PROJECTS WITH THIS SAME PATTERN (with or without fringe):

Preemie Blanket (Ch 52)
Baby Blanket (Ch 102)
Afghan (Ch 152)

SIMPLY REPLACE THE NUMBER OF CHAINS IN PARENTHESES
AS THE BEGINNING NUMBER OF CHAINS IN ROW 1.
OF COURSE, YOU CAN USE ANY NUMBER OF CHAINS
AS LONG AS YOU CHAIN IN MULTIPLES OF 10 + 2.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want an afghan you make 152 chains to begin the pattern.
You can adjust the size as you want by making your foundation chain a multiple of 10 plus 2.
This means you can start with any number of chains that is evenly divisible by 10... then add
two more chains before you begin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

-----

ILLUSTRATED BASIC CROCHET INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE BEGINNER:

HOW TO DO A STARTING CHAIN

SINGLE CROCHET (click here for instructions)

HALF DOUBLE CROCHET (click here for instructions)

DOUBLE CROCHET (click here for instructions)

TRIPLE CROCHET (click here for instructions)

This file is very informative when learning to crochet:
http://www.lionbrand.com/faq/learnToCrochet.pdf

 


CROCHET TIP


Pencil Pouches make great crochet hook storage cases.
You can purchase these at a discounted rate after the initial school supplies sales have ended.

 

 

 

 

Scrap Yarn Ideas ...

do you have number 65?

 

 

 

The following page is compilation of uses for scrap yarns:
SCRAP YARN IDEAS

If you have a use that's not listed email me!

 


VIEWER FEEDBACK

NOTE: Any comments left on the CNM website or sent via email may be posted here.

Leave your message in our guestbook... and it may appear in an issue of the CNM Newsletter !


RE: Dog Sweater

Thanks for the great sweater pattern.
I haven't crochet in years but was able to complete this sweater in two nights.
I reclaimed gray yarn from a scarf I had made and added pink so I could see my stitches.
The pattern was well written and easy to follow.
Tilly loves it and now I know she is warm.
Regards, Beckie

* Tilly *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Re: A viewer feedback for consideration -
     As posted by Wilfredo - yarns all were splice in three diff.areas

Because splices happen - sometimes more often than a crocheter/knitter might prefer - is why some have chosen to ball wind yarn even if it is sold in a pull skein. The pre winding alerts to where the defect is and how it can be addressed. Depending on the piece, MO, working the splice in mid row should be avoided. To do this it is necessary to cut the yarn at some point in the work. A skein with many splices should be called to the attention of the manufacturer. PA reader


I have a hard time clicking on to rec your free patterns.
The link takes me right to JoAnn's.
Jay Jay771

<< Lisa's reply >>

Each newsletter contains a section that looks like this:

----------------------------------------------------------------

CLICK BELOW FOR THIS ISSUE:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/021509.htm

----------------------------------------------------------------

Each issue does contain links to other sites that sell things and those links do come prior to the actual link to the newsletter. You are not obligated to click those links. However, when people purchase through those links I do get a small commission for the sale which in turn helps me keep Crochet N More online.

The free patterns for the current issue can by found by clicking this link:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/021509.htm#Member

You do not have to be on the newsletter mailing list to view the newsletters.
If you wish to see any of the past issues you may do so via this page:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/newsletterarchive.htm
Hope this helps.

<< Jay Jay771's subsequent reply>>

I appreciate you answering my E-Mail.
I do a lot of crocheting for Care-Wear.
I make and send Chemo hats for young cancer patients at St. John's Children's Center in MD.
I am 80 yrs of age and I learned to make a chain, when I was 10 yrs. old I started to crochet
seriously when I was 16 .
Thanks again, Jay Jay771


Re: ReadAPattern

Help Please!!!

Hi Lisa, I can do all of the stiches but I cannot for the life of me read the directions.
Can you help me learn what this row is. I have spent hours and ripped out over and over.

3rd Row: ;Ch 1 (1sc.Ch2 1 dc) all in the first sc * miss next dc and ch2(1sc. Ch-2 1 dc) in next sc. Repeat from * ending with 1 sc. Turn

Thanks. Mic

<< reply >>

For the third row you do the following:
Chain 1
Work one single crochet, two chains and a double crochet all in the first single crochet stitch.
*
Skip the next double crochet
Skip the next chain 2
Work one single crochet, two chains and a double crochet all in the next single crochet stitch.
Now repeat the instructions from the asterisk ending with one single crochet.
Turn.


I'M TRYING TO FIND A PATTERN THAT WILL TEACH ME HOW TO PUT RUFFLES ON A SKIRT FOR A DOLL .ITS A HEAD TO STOMACH LENGTH I'VE BEEN SEARCHING EVERY WHERE BUT CANT FIND IT ANYWHERE

<< reply >>

When I make a ruffle I simply add multiple stitches on the first row or round of my project.
Then if the ruffle seems enough... but I want it wider I add a second round placing one stitch in each stitch around.

Have you seen the new "ruffles yarn":

http://cache.lionbrand.com/cgi-bin/faq-search.cgi?store=/stores/eyarn&faqKey=263

I've never used it but it's supposed to achieve the ruffle for you.


Re: Your pattern Row Count Star Afghan Square

SI was trying to make this pattern I have been crocheting for the last 15 years but I cannot seem to get the add in color to add in, could you give me directions on this.... I would love to figure out how to add a color for the heart in to make this for a friend of mine as a gift. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely, Cheri

<< reply >>

Try this page:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/chartcrochet.htm
for info on graphs and charts. Drop me a line if you have further questions.


Im was so thrilled to find your e-mail. I learned how to do the afghan stitch and did a few stripes.
I did them small for a baby blanket to learn on. Id like to put them together with some open chain stitch.
Do you have any suggestions.
THANK YOU so much!!
Sherry

<< reply >>

I'm so glad you learned the afghan stitch.

As for joining metnods... take a look at the following page:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/joiningsquares.htm
Hope you find a method you enjoy.


Lisa ... thank you so much. I love your explanations ... they are very helpful! I would love to go to a class or somewhere "live" to get this kind of help. My mother used to do beautiful crochet projects. My aunt is a former knitter which I did try but found it difficult and not so fun. Unfortunately, my mom is ill and has glaucoma and can't see well enough to help me. Otherwise, she would sit with me and guide me. My aunt always said it is easier to make garments when knitting. My mother, on the other hand, debunked her claims and said you can create anything you want with crochet. I found this magazine 5 years ago and never attempted anything in it (it is full of garments; vests, ponchos, purses, etc.). After all these years, I am determined to make this jacket.

I am curious about your business. Do you sell finished products? I am so addicted to crocheting now that I literally dream about it sometimes. I can't wait until evening because that's my crochet time.

Thanks again. I think you are wonderful! I will say a little prayer that God blesses you! You certainly are deserving.

If/when I finish this I will let you know!
Julie

<< reply >>

You are very welcome Julie and thank you for such a nice compliment and the prayer!

I'm so glad you are determined to do your project. That's the first step in finishing one :o) As for "live" meetings... I don't know of any in my area but you might be able to search online to find a meeting in your town. I know some craft stores (like Michaels) have meetings.

As for my business... I sell finished products once in a while when someone asks me to make something. I just did a custom order for three of my toilet tissue covers.

I have at times been that addicted to crocheting too... so addicted that I used to take a project to work with me everyday to work on during lunch. Sometimes when we weren't very busy (desk job) I would crochet too.

I'd love to see a picture when you finish your coat.


Re: reading pattern

Thank you for the info,as a new crocheter i feel like i have won the lottery lol. I always had problems reading the patterns and would not try some because of that, but now i can.
thanks again, pam


pattern says to work around double crochet just made, what do I do?
Roe46

<< reply >>

Crochet stitches are normally worked into by inserting the hook through the top two loops of each stitch. When working "around" a stitch (a/k/a the post of the stitch) you actually work around the entire stitch, not into it.

Visualize a double crochet stitch looking like a little fence post... instead of working into the top of the stitch like we normally do, you work around the "post". Keep in mind there are many different types of post stitches... be sure to check your pattern for which one you need to use.

Here are examples:

FRONT POST DOUBLE CROCHET
Yarn over, insert hook from the front side
of the work right to left around the post
of the indicated stitch on a previous row;
yo and pull up a loop (3 lps on hk)
yo and draw through two lps (2 lps on hk)
yo and draw through two lps (1 lp on hk)

BACK POST DOUBLE CROCHET
Yarn over, insert hook from the back side
of the work right to left around the post
of the indicated stitch on a previous row;
yo and pull up a loop (3 lps on hk)
yo and draw through two lps (2 lps on hk)
yo and draw through two lps (1 lp on hk)

This link is helpful in explaining these stitches.
http://crochet.about.com/library/weekly/aa060797.htm

You can find these and many other stitch abbreviations
and instructions on my Basics page:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/123basics.htm


RE: Basics Page

wow, excellent site! Thank you! I haven't crocheted in over 20 years
but its all coming back to me now! thanks!

jandoug


Re: question

I can do a simple single or a double crochet

but i want to learn how to do the popcorn stitch

i want to be able to make squares and then fit them all together to make a nice looking afghan

i want to know how to change colors without it being obvious where i changed the colors at

i would like to eventually make a nice afghan for each of my 3 kids and my 2 grandkids

Mary Phillips

<< reply >>

Hi Mary:

>>I can do a simple single or a double crochet
      that's great!

>>but i want to learn how to do the popcorn stitch
     The standard popcorn stitch is worked as follows:
5 dc in next ch, drop lp from hook, insert hook in first st of 5-dc group,
pick up dropped lp, draw through st, ch 1. Then you can pop the popcorn
to the right or wrong side of the work as needed.

Click here for illustrated popcorn stitch instructions courtesy of About.com
http://crochet.about.com/hobbies/crochet/library/blpopcrn.htm

You can practice popcorn stitches with this pattern:
http://crochetnmore.com/popcorngarland.htm
and you can omit some of the love knots to have a steady row of popcorn stitches.

>> i want to be able to make squares and then fit them all together to make a nice looking afghan
      You can find numerous square patterns for six", seven" and eight" squares on these pages:
http://www.crochetpatterncentral.com/directory/6in_squares.php
http://www.crochetpatterncentral.com/directory/7in_squares.php
http://www.crochetpatterncentral.com/directory/8in_squares.php

You can use any method to join the squares that you like.

Take a look at this page for joining ideas:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/joiningsquares.htm

The following page includes instructions on the Whipstitch, the Backstitch and
the Mattress Stitch (known as invisible weaving):
http://www.crochetcabana.com/tutorials/joining_squares.htm

This page shows how to do an invisible join:
http://www.heartstringsfiberarts.com/doily-finish.shtm
That makes the actual edge of each motif look smooth without bumps
where the rounds join.

>>i want to know how to change colors without it being obvious where i changed the colors at
      Take a look at these pages on how to change colors:
http://crochetnmore.com/chartcrochet.htm
http://crochet.about.com/library/weekly/aa072697.htm
http://www.crochetcabana.com/tutorials/join-new-yarn.htm

>> i would like to eventually make a nice afghan for each of my 3 kids and my 2 grandkids
      You sound very determined and that's the first step in finishing a project. Good luck!


RE: Baby Beanie

Hi, I am writing this not because of errors in your directions but for this wonderful baby beanie.
I have been looking for this for a long time. Thank you so much for these directions.
Pauline Gambacorto


Re: No_Sew_Towel_Topper 2

I really badly want to make your pattern. I consider myself pretty experienced at crocheting, but can you possibly clarify row 3 for me. I understand the first sentence as far as attaching the loop. but then am totally lost. Do I then sc around half the circle and attach the other folded end of the loop or am I to sc around the loop? It is difficult when I can't quite understand the concept of what this is to look like. Would really appreciate it if you could help me. Thank you Barbara Neral

<< reply >>

LOOP
R1: Ch18. sc in 2nd ch from hook. Sc in ea rem ch. Ch4, do not turn. Working in the unworked loops of each foundation chain. Sc in ea ch. Ch4, join with sl st to first sc.

Holding both long edges tog. Sl st corresponding sts tog.

FASTEN OFF

For the Loop... you make a foundation chain of 18,
then work a single crochet in the second chain from the hook.
Single crochet in each remaining chain. Chain 4. Do not turn.
Now you work up the opposite side of the foundation chain into the unworked loops of each chain... work one single crochet in each chain.
Chain 4 and join with a slip stitch to the first single crochet you made.
Now hold both long edges together and slip stitch all corresponding stitches together.
Fasten off.

TOPPER

R1: Ch40, join to form a ring. Sc in ea ch. Join with sl st.

Chain 40, join to form a ring. Work one single crochet in each chain. Join with a slip stitch.

R2: Ch1, do not turn. Sc in ea sc.

Chain 1, do not turn. Single crochet in each single crochet.

JOIN LOOP

R3: Sc in next st and through ch4 on one end of Loop to join it. Sc in ea st around to other side.
Join in other side of Loop the same way. Sc in ea rem st.

To join the loop, you begin Round 3 by working a single crochet in the next stitch and through one of the chain 4 spaces on one end of the LOOP, that joins that end of the loop to the topper. Single crochet in each stitch around to the other side (half way) and work a single crochet in that stitch AND chain 4 loop to join it on that side. Single crochet in each remaining st.

I have made a change to the pattern page... as noted in the pink above.

 


CONTEST/GIVEAWAY INFORMATION

The information provided below is strictly for your enjoyment.


Enter the new contest at Creative Enterprises !

Click Here for Your Chance to Win!

 

 


CLASSIFIED SECTION


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Looking for a particular item to buy ?

Put your ad here to be seen by approximately 5,400 crafters...


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Threads N Stitches

cont.


Got a baby shower coming up?
Want to give that special baby girl a handmade gift ?

Purchase this knitted basketweave baby afghan!
It's large enough to be used even when the baby becomes a toddler !
* Click here for details *

cont.


You can buy our 51 page book
through Cafe Press.

Click Here to order your copy today!
Crochet N More Pattern Collection 1
Crochet N More Pattern Collection 1

 

cont

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

cont.

 


Get your copy of the Gas Mileage Guide today!
http://www.gasmileageguide.com/

There's also a free Version available.
http://www.gasmileageguide.com/freepreview.htm

Also make sure to check out almost daily tips for saving money
and having fun without breaking the bank.
http://www.gasmileageguide.com/gas-savings-blog/

cont.


 

Get your copy of Diane England's
"Cute Crochet for Kids" :

 

 

 


I have to tell you about this new book.
SweaterBabe.com's Fabulous & Flirty Crochet
I'm so happy to have it in my crochet library.

Katherine Lee has an eye for style and a definite knack for creating beautiful crochet patterns.
I was really happy with the large colorful project photos.
There's something for everyone!
The aspect of Fabulous and Flirty Crochet that stood out to me was the section on the yarns used in the patterns.
One page shows "actual size" photos of the yarns which makes it super easy to substitute other yarns if you want to.
For those who stay strictly to the recommended yarn in a pattern Katherine has included a yarn resource list.
The projects are very fashionable and perfect for gift giving... though I'm sure you'll have to make something for yourself :o)
I can't wait to try the Flirty Skirt and the Ruffled Strap Tank.

Get your copy of Fabulous & Flirty Crochet today!


 

=====================================================

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If your home business isn't growing as fast as you'd like, maybe you need to move to a new neighborhood! Come be a part of our home and small business community at Creative Enterprises!
We bring new meaning to "networking" and resource sharing!
Sign up for your membership today at

7http://www.creativethought.com

cont.



HUMOR


 

 

During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days.
To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.
One tap meant, "Give me a kiss,"
two taps meant "Yes,"
seven taps meant "No,"
and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."


During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place.
"I was just stupid," I teased.

When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation.

"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said.
"But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."


A teacher entered her classroom and said,
"We are going to have a test today, whether there is rain or sunshine."

Suddenly, a student burst out laughing.

"What's the matter? Why are you laughing?" asked the teacher.

"Because it's snowing!"


Dear Kids,

Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply taking a bath. It will take about thirty minutes and will involve soap and water. Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn't, forcing myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than I've got energy for. (Which reminds me, I'm all for science projects, but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)

Don't panic if I'm not out right on time. I've heard that people don't dissolve in water and I'd like to test the theory. While I'm in the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things. The large slab of wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my voice. I promise that even though you can't see me, I *am* on the other side. I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border,no matter what I said a while ago. I didn't mean it. Honest. There will be plenty of time later to tell me about your day.

"Later" means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have important things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair.

Believe it or not, shouting, "TELEPHONE!" through the closed bathroom door will *not* make the phone stop ringing. Answer it and take a message. Since Amazing Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you'll need to write that message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your brother and the laundry marker. We can't send him to school with telephone number tattoos.

Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference between the sound of "nothing" and the sound of a child playing the piano with a basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of your lungs. I'm *choosing* NOT to answer you.

Don't call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the bathroom. He didn't appreciate it last time. He won't appreciate it more this time. Trust me.

No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful. I remember who you are and why you are grounded. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to play. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to use the bathroom. If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet and a tail, do not think of going outside to "water" the lawn. I know the dog does it. The neighbors don't feel the need to call me when the dog does it.

Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors locked. Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get my attention. I know it works in the Our Videos. This is reality, the place where people don't like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken glass rain in on them. Do not set the house on fire. Call me if there is an emergency.

Emergencies ARE:
1. Dad has fallen off the roof.
2. Your brother and/or sister is bleeding.
3. There's a red fire truck in front of our house.

Emergencies are NOT:
1. Dad has fallen asleep.
2. Someone on TV is bleeding.
3. There's a red pickup truck in front of our house.

One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper for a towel does not make me happy. It makes me sticky with little white polka dots. In the future, when the tub overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in the house. For my sanity's sake, let's pretend it was the tub, Okay? No, I don't want to hear the real story. Ever. Especially not while I'm standing in the pool of water you missed.

By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled.

Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time.
Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the coffee table.

I'll be out soon.

Maybe.

Love, Your Mom


Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!

Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed.
When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box. Inside were 25 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!


"Thank you for calling Adventures in Telephoning Unlimited. If you wish to leave a message for Carol, please press 1. If you wish to leave a message for Marge, please press 2. If it's Kristin you're calling, please press 3. If none of these names make any sense to you, you've probably called the wrong number. In that case, please press 4 and leave a message for Nick, he's feeling ignored."


Preparing for a family vacation, Kathy and Matt explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not to keep saying, "Are we there yet?"

After a few minutes of peaceful driving, four year old Rachel perked up, "Is it dark yet?"


A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows looking at him.

"I believe it's your radiator," said the cow.

The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches!
He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door.
"A cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his arms wildly back toward the field.

The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down the field.
"The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly.

"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied.

"Oh. Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the man.
"Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a darn thing about cars."


A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," she said.

"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.

"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."


One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in South Korea, I was in line for breakfast and noticed that the cook behind the counter looked kind of harassed. After I gave him my order, he asked me how I wanted my eggs. Not wanting to burden him further, I said cheerfully, "Oh, whatever is easiest for you."
With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my plate and handed it back to me.


My friend hates to exercise, which means the treadmill in her bedroom barely gets used.
Nevertheless, she swears by it. "It really works," she told me.
I throw my jeans over it and they get smaller.


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