Crochet N More
Newsletter

Volume XII, Issue No. 6
March 30, 2009

Serving approximately 5,400 crafters...

(This newsletter distributed FREE via e-mail only on the 15th and 30th of each month)

Thank you for requesting the Crochet 'N' More Newsletter.
We hope to provide you with exciting information on the latest web developments pertaining to the Crochet 'N' More website as well as two of my original patterns in each issue.

If the Crochet N More website and/or Crochet N More Newsletter
have been helpful to you and you would like to make a donation

Click Here

THIS ISSUE IS SPONSORED BY:

PROM 2009

033009

My 12 year old daughter, Haley, has been working on designing
some crochet themed shirts that you may be interested in.

Crochet Shirt - So Much Yarn, So Little Time!
You can check them out here:
http://www.cafepress.com/crochetnmore
Sheís working on some additional designs so stay tuned.

cont.

God Bless You!

FEATURES IN THIS ISSUE:

GENERAL NEWS
QUESTIONS FROM THE CNM MESSAGE BOARD
WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
BIBLE TRIVIA
PAGES UPDATED
NEW LINKS
MEMBER PATTERNS
CROCHET STITCH or TECHNIQUE
CROCHET TIP
VIEWER FEEDBACK
CONTEST/GIVE-AWAY INFORMATION
CLASSIFIED SECTION
HUMOR


GENERAL NEWS

Dear Subscriber:

 

Here are a few Easter patterns you might enjoy:

Bunny Candy Pouch:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/bunnycandypouch.htm

Easter Tote:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/eastertote.htm

Bunny Plant Poke:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/bunnyplantpoke.htm

Snuggly Bunny Corner Bookmark:
http://www.crochetmemories.com/archive/freebunnybk.html

Easter Rattles:
http://www.crochetville.org/forum/showthread.php?t=46468

Bunny Egg Cozy:
http://www.crochetforkids.com/PDF/Bunny%20Egg%20Cozy.pdf


* Follow Crochetnmore on Twitter *

http://twitter.com/Crochetnmore

 

 

 

Lisa and Tim

 

 

The Breast Cancer Site

 


PEN PAL?

If you would like to be added to the Crochet 'N' More Pen Pal list please send an email including the following:
Name, Email Address and Interests.
(For interests, please send General Information Only such as what types of things you enjoy crocheting, your favorite threads and/or yarns, etc. Please, no personal information such as age, marital status, snail mail address, etc., and limit your entry to 25-35 words.)


QUESTIONS FROM
THE CNM MESSAGE BOARD


Post your crochet question on The Crochet 'N' More Message Board and you might see it here!

QUESTION:

RE: help with Bat
Im trying to make your free pattern for the tiny bat. about 4" big. I made the first row, then I am stuck on the second row. Im not sure what you are talking about in the pattern. can you help?

yankeeblue

 

ANSWER:

FOR THIS:
ROW 1: Ch 20, sc in 2nd ch from hk. (2 hdc, picot, 2 hdc) in next ch. Dc in next 2 ch, picot, dc in next 2 ch, sc in next ch, sk next 5 chs, sc in next ch, dc in next 2 ch, picot, dc in next 2 ch. (2hdc, picot, 2 hdc) in next ch, sc in last ch.

Working across the top of the wings in the unworked loops of the foundation chain, sc in each st and in the ch-5 sp.

FASTEN OFF.

YOU DO THIS:
For Row 1 you chain 20. Then work a single crochet in the second chain from the hook.
Then you work two half double crochets, one picot and two more half double crochet ALL in the next chain.
Double crochet in the next two chains.
Picot in the next chain.
Double crochet in the next two chains.
Single crochet in the next chain.
Skip the next five chains.
Single crochet in the next chain.
Double crochet in the next two chains.
Picot in the next chain.
Double crochet in the next two chains.
Work two half double crochets, one picot and two more half double crochet ALL in the next chain.
Single crochet in the last chain.
Now you work across the top of the wings in the unworked loops of the foundation chain.
NOTE: this is the other side of each of the chains you just worked into. Single crochet in each stitch and in the chain 5 space (into the hole below the five chains).
FASTEN OFF.

FOR THIS:
HEAD: Ch 3, 7 hdc in 3rd ch from hk. Fasten off leaving about 6" of yarn. Using a yarn needle, sew head to wings in the sc you made in the ch 5 sp on Row 1

YOU DO THIS:
Chain 3, work 7 half double crochets in the third chain from the hook. Fasten off leaving about six inches of yarn. Using a yarn needle you sew the head to the wings in the single crochet you made in the chain 5 space on Row 1.

 

 

QUESTION:

Knotted Yarn
I am a new crocheting gal & have spent more time trying to get the knots out of my yarn.
Should I have made it all into a ball before beginning? How Frustrating! Ann

ANSWER:

I don't think it matters alot unless it's a large skein. Smaller skeins don't seem to tangle as much when the center is used. I don't normally wind my skeins into a ball until I've used around half of the skein. Then I do it only because it seems quicker when I'm crocheting if the yarn comes off of the ball instead out of an unruly skein. Always wind the yarn into the ball loosely so you don't stretch the yarn.

No matter what... knots are not fun. The best advice I can give you for knots is do not pull on the yarn alot when trying to remove them. That way you don't get as frustrated. When I first started crocheting I would pull the yarn too taut and the knots were so tight that I would end up frustrated and cut the yarn. When I became more relaxed about getting knots out I rarely have to cut my yarn anymore.


WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT


Daily Rules From God

 

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. But if we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; or if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which is effective in the patient enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer; and our hope for you is firmly grounded, knowing that as you are sharers of our sufferings, so also you are sharers of our comfort. For we do not want you to be unaware, brethren, of our affliction which came to us in Asia, that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life; indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves in order that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead; who delivered us from so great a peril of death, and will deliver us, He on whom we have set our hope. And He will yet deliver us, you also joining in helping us through your prayers, that thanks may be given by many persons on our behalf for the favor bestowed upon us through the prayers of many.

2 Corinthians 1:3-11

No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it.

1 Corinthians 10:13

Pray, then, in this way; 'Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed by Thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done. On earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also forgive our debtors. And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever. Amen.' For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.

Matthew 6: 9-15

 

 

"TRIALS MAKE US THINK;
THINKING MAKES US WISE;
WISDOM MAKES LIFE PROFITABLE."

This quote is from Our Daily Bread - March, 2009 Issue.


"For where two or three have gathered together in My name, there I am in their midst." Matthew 18:20


Please click here and pray for those on our Prayer List


BIBLE TRIVIA


Which two brothers were known as "the keeper of flocks" and "tiller of the ground"?

 

Click Here for the Answer

 

Click Here to Purchase
"The Complete Book of Bible Trivia"

 

Click here for more Bible Trivia


PAGES UPDATED

Only major page changes will be listed here.


FREE PATTERNS
The following patterns will be added to our Free Patterns soon.

 

 

Row Count 2015 Afghan Square Crochet Pattern
ROW COUNT 2015
AFGHAN SQUARE

 

Row Count Shamrock Coaster Crochet Pattern
ROW COUNT
SHAMROCK COASTER

 

 

 

 

 

 

The following page is a list of uses of scrap yarns:
SCRAP YARN IDEAS

 

 

 

 

 

 


NEW LINKS


The following link(s) have been added to our links pages.

CRAFTY DEB

THE CROCHET CRADLE

 

 

 

 

 

 


MEMBER PATTERNS


(SUBSCRIBERS SEE THESE FIRST)
However, these patterns will be added to the Crochet 'N' More website after the next issue is sent out.

 

Row Count Dove Afghan Square Crochet Pattern
ROW COUNT DOVE
AFGHAN SQUARE

 

Row Count Duck Afghan Square Crochet Pattern
ROW COUNT DUCK
AFGHAN SQUARE

 

Purchase your crochet supplies today!

Use the promotion code below
in your online shopping basket:

 
  Clearance Sale
   
 
Click here to see our growing collection of FREE PATTERNS  

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 




 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 




CROCHET STITCH or TECHNIQUE

(A different crochet stitch and/or tip featured in each issue...
to be added later to the Crochet Basics page)



LONG SINGLE CROCHET (LSC)

Insert hook in indicated stitch,
yo, draw a loop through (2 loops on hook),
yo, draw through both loops on the hook.

Click here for photo instructions


A Long Single Crochet Stitch is worked the same as a regular single crochet stitch,
except... it is worked in a stitch on a row below the normal working row.

 

 

 

 

-----

ILLUSTRATED BASIC CROCHET INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE BEGINNER:

HOW TO DO A STARTING CHAIN

SINGLE CROCHET (click here for instructions)

HALF DOUBLE CROCHET (click here for instructions)

DOUBLE CROCHET (click here for instructions)

TRIPLE CROCHET (click here for instructions)

This file is very informative when learning to crochet:
http://www.lionbrand.com/faq/learnToCrochet.pdf

 


CROCHET TIP


Never substitute yarns based on how many plies are in them. You can have a four ply yarn that is a worsted weight yarn or a two ply yarn that is considered bulky weight. Substituting yarns based only on the number of plies could cause major problems with your pattern. Always check the gauge and hook size, especially if you're making a garment.

 

 

 

 

Scrap Yarn Ideas ...

do you have number 67?

 

 

 

 

The following page is compilation of uses for scrap yarns:
SCRAP YARN IDEAS

If you have a use that's not listed email me!

 


VIEWER FEEDBACK

NOTE: Any comments left on the CNM website or sent via email may be posted here.

Leave your message in our guestbook... and it may appear in an issue of the CNM Newsletter !


Re: pattern request

Hi....I was on your site and fell in love with your 71/2 x 71/2 squares. I printed the one with the purple bear paw. My daughter goes to a school called Central Bearcats and I am going to make her this afghan. I was wanting to know...I seen the square for the "2009" could I possibly get a pattern for "2015"? That is the year that she graduates. I hope you can help me. Thank you...and love your patterns. Terry

<< reply >>

I'm so glad you like the squares. I like the paw print also. I have done squares for 2008, 2009 and yes... I skipped up a few years and made one for you for 2015: http://www.crochetnmore.com/rowcount2015aghansquare.htm

I know your daughter will treasure her special afghan!


First of all I must say that this is the most wonderful website. I look forward to receiving my newsletter and finding the new patterns that you share. The praises that you give to God lift me up as well, and I've especially needed those lately while looking after my 82-year-old Mom who has been diagnosed with Parkinson Disease with Dementia.
Florence Ann Story


Re: BasicsPage

Hi there
I just want to thank you for a great webpage.
I am from Denmark and had found this lovely pattern on the internet but it was American.
I havenít crochet much and I didnít know the American abbreviations.
I would never have finished it without your webpage. Nice job.
Kind regards
Ann Hendrup


Hey there! as usual, awesome newsletter and awesome site. thank you!
Deb


I love your site--it is so complete & helpful. I especially like the way you added your testimony. Not a crochet subject, but needs to be heard. Thank you for sharing!

Sandy


Re: Basketweave_Dishcloth

Lisa, I would like to try your pattern but I am not sure on the abbreviations for your stitches used:
ch - chain
sl st -
dc -
double crochet
bpdc -
fpdc

I am almost a beginner can you tell me what these mean. I am trying to make new things for a Farmers Market where I live, I would really like to try your pattern. Thanks and I hope to hear from you soon.

<< REPLY >>

ch - chain
sl st - slip stitch
dc - double crochet
bpdc - back post double crochet
fpdc - front post double crochet

You can find these and many other stitch abbreviations and instructions on our Crochet Basics page:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/123basics.htm


RE: Butterfly

Hi I just finished one square of the Butterfly
my question is did you do the whole afghan in butterflies or did you do some squares in solids?
I love butterflies and this is so perfect.I crochet baby and kids blankets for Project Linus and
like to do different blankets according to the yarn I accumulate.
Always looking for suggestions.
-- Love Carolyn

<< reply >>

That's the beauty of the row count afghan square patterns I have designed.
These can all be used in conjunction with each other because they are the same size.
You can mix and match any of the squares and/or work solid squares as fillers if you want too.


Re: Looking for Pattern

I am looking for a pattern for a crocheted spiral scarf. I can't seem to locate the pattern that I had and I have a lady that would like several of them made. It is approximately 180-210 chain long and possibly 15 to 20 stitches wide. Do you have a pattern of this sort. I certainly would like to hear from you. Sincerely, Helen Reeves

<< reply >>

You can find a free spiral scarf pattern here:
http://www.techchick.lunarpages.com/knottie/crafts/spiral_scarf.shtml


Good evening I am fairly new at crochet and have trouble working out the amount of 4 ply crochet cotton that is required. Would it be possible for you to advise me approximately how many balls of crochet cotton it takes to do this runner if the length is 180cm. Kindest Regards Judy Conquest

<< reply >>

The runner I made only took one skein of Red Heart Super Saver ( 7 ounces ), but my table isn't very large (seats 4 people). The length of the runner is your choice so the amount of yarn will vary depending on that as well as your crochet tension.

The best way to figure the amount of yarn you need is:

1. Using a spare ball of the type of yarn you want to use for your runner, weigh out one ounce of yarn (you can do this using a food scale).

2. Now make a swatch working the pattern until that ounce of yarn is used.

3. Measure the length of the swatch.

4. Calculate the amount of yarn needed like this:
if your swatch length measures 12 centimeters (using one ounce of yarn) and a skein of the yarn weighs 7 ounces, then...
12 (# of centimeters you got from one ounce of yarn) X 7 (# of ounces in a skein of that yarn ) = 84 (# of centimeters from one skein)

Therefore, if one skein of yarn yields 84 centimeters of the pattern... and you need 180 centimeters... then,
180 cm divided by 84 cm = 2.14

In order to make the table runner 180 centimeters ... you will need 2.14 skeins to finish the project, so you need to purchase 3 skeins.

I hope I've explained this in a way that isn't too confusing.

 


Love the patterns.....Hope you can help me, PLEASE.
I am looking for patterns for crochet button covers, hopefully the older ones. My friend does mending for two theatre groups, and I would love to help her and make some buttons for her to use. She has a big heart, and doesn't even charge for her work. Hope someone has some patterns, or could lead me to a few sources.
Thanks much, Jan

<< reply >>

Thanks Jan.
You can find a free button cover pattern here:
http://www.crochetme.com/easy-crocheted-button-covers
and some others linked on the following page are more vintage looking:
http://www.freepatterns.com/list.html?mode=list&offset=21&limit=21&status_id=A&cat_id=335


I got your link a while back when I asked about the dog sweater. I had no problem making it as it turned out perfect. My dog, Gizmo does not like you to put any kind of clothing on him. He really gets upset when you take his legs and try to put them in a T-Shirt or sweater, he will bite me. This sweater was great because it was easy to get his legs in, even though he snarls at me he has yet to bite. I have to take it off backwards not over the head. I take his head out of the neck part and then gently pull it off from the back and tell him to move, it works.. I would love to see a dog pattern where you velcro the neck part around the neck and velcrco a strap around the belly. He had a coat like that and he didn't mind that one but he got too fat and now its too small. However I do now have a problem and hope you can help on the sweater pattern I made. The more days my dog who is a shizsu wore the sweater the bigger it got. Now the sweater is too big for him. Now what do I do to make it fit? After I wash it fits but after a few days of wear it stretches out again. I used the yarn suggested also.

<< reply >>

I'm glad the dog sweater pattern worked up well for you. Yarns do tend to stretch and I remember the first sweater I made would "droop" around the waist area after our dog had worn it a while too. For a "quick fix" you could add a draw string through the waist row to cinch it up... but that would involve tying it and strings left to hang. Not sure how beneficial that would be.

For a long term solution you could sew elastic into the waist area. You can fold up the bottom of the sweater enough to make a "casing" to hold the elastic and thread it through... or simply cut the desired length of elastic and weave it through then overlap and sew the ends together.

Our first dog also had a jacket... looked like a jogging suit jacket with a hood and everything. It snapped up and also had velcro around the waist area. I loved that little jacket on him.

As for using velcro... that's not a good idea with yarn. The velcro is a definite possibility for any use but in yarn related items. It sticks extremely well to yarn fibers but doesn't separate from them easily... leaving the yarn fuzzy looking.

I will add a new dog sweater to my future design ideas list.... maybe I can come up with a good design that has buttons or some other type of closure.


RE: Easter Hotpad

I have a pattern for the Easter hotpad and I ch 20 and sc in each st for row 1.
Row 2 I turn and ch 1 and sc in same st...???? Can you explain this as usually after you ch1 you sc in next st..... or is that sc in same st the same thing?
      Once you chain 1 you work into the very first stitch.

Everytime I do this the hotpad gets wider and wider, so what am I doing wrong?
      It shouldn't get wider... make sure you are only placing one stitch in each stitch.

The hotpad is suppose to be 9 1/2 wide but no matter how loose I ch 20 I do not get 9 1/2 inches wide. However as I do the sc in same st the rows start getting wider and wider but it looks odd because the starting chain is shorter than the hotpad being worked....
      Are you using three strands of yarn at once? It could just be your tension... all crocheters crochet at different "tensions", meaning that the crochet stitches can be tighter or looser than another crocheter's stitches. You can adjust your hook size to help you achieve the correct size. However, with the Easter Hotpad... as long as it's large enough to set your pan on the size is ok.

The directions seemed easy enough but it doesn't look right, please help as the hot pad is on hold...
     Here's the pattern... let me explain it.

R1: Holding one strand of each color together throughout the pattern.
(Three strands at once)
Ch20, sc in the 2nd ch from the hook and in ea rem ch. (19sc)
     This means you work with three strands of yarn at once for the entire pattern.
      Chain 20 and work a single crochet in the second chain from the hook.
      Now work a single crochet in each remaining chain. You should have 19 singles when you finish R1.

R2: Ch1, turn. Sc in same st. *Lsc in next st one row below. Sc in next st. Rep from * across.
     This means you chain 1 and turn. Now single crochet in the same stitch (this is the first stitch).
     *Work a long single crochet in the next stitch one row below
     (that means you work over the single crochet... into the stitch you made that single crochet in)
     Single crochet in the next stitch.
     Now repeat from the asterisk across the row.

R3: Ch1, turn. Sc in next 2 sts. * Lsc in next st one row below. Sc in next st. Rep from * across to last 2sts.
Sc in last 2 sts.
     Chain 1 and turn. Single crochet in the next two stitches.
      *Work a long single crochet in the next stitch.
      (again... that means you work over the single crochet... into the stitch you made that single crochet in)
      Single crochet in the next stitch.
      Now repeat from the asterisk across to the last two stitches. Work one single crochet in each of
      the last two stitches.

Rep Rows 2 & 3, until desired size... ending with R2.
     Repeat rows 2 and 3 until you get the size you want... ending with Row 2.

EDGE
Do not turn. Sl st in ea row end and st down side, across bottom and up other side.
Join with sl st in first sc made on the last row.
Fasten off.
     
Do not turn... slip stitch in each row end and in each stitch down the side,
     across the bottom and up the other side. Join with a slip stitch in the first
     single crochet you made on the last row. Fasten off.



I have gone to your archive and tried to click on every Jan. link but guess what? None of the links work.. whats up with that? All the other links do. Pam

<< reply >>

I have checked the links and for some reason the I omitted the extension on the url.
The links in the archive should be working fine now:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/newsletterarchive.htm
Thanks for telling me.


Paw Print Afghan pattern

I just made a baby afghan using the paw print afghan pattern. My step-son and his wife are expecting a little boy the end of March or beginning of April 2009. I used different colors for the paw print. It has turned out great. They had an old dog (Sadie) and she is in all their Christmas cards etc. So, I can give it to them and explain that Sadie had a part in it. LOL

Robin Jelley

<< reply >>

I love that idea!
Never thought to use that for a baby afghan... that's such a good idea.
I'd love to see a picture if you would like to share one.

 


CONTEST/GIVEAWAY INFORMATION

The information provided below is strictly for your enjoyment.


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Click Here for Your Chance to Win!

 

 


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Threads N Stitches

cont.


Got a baby shower coming up?
Want to give that special baby girl a handmade gift ?

Purchase this knitted basketweave baby afghan!
It's large enough to be used even when the baby becomes a toddler !
* Click here for details *

cont.


You can buy our 51 page book
through Cafe Press.

Click Here to order your copy today!
Crochet N More Pattern Collection 1
Crochet N More Pattern Collection 1

 

cont

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

cont.

 


Get your copy of the Gas Mileage Guide today!
http://www.gasmileageguide.com/

There's also a free Version available.
http://www.gasmileageguide.com/freepreview.htm

Also make sure to check out almost daily tips for saving money
and having fun without breaking the bank.
http://www.gasmileageguide.com/gas-savings-blog/

cont.


 

Get your copy of Diane England's
"Cute Crochet for Kids" :

 

 

 


I have to tell you about this new book.
SweaterBabe.com's Fabulous & Flirty Crochet
I'm so happy to have it in my crochet library.

Katherine Lee has an eye for style and a definite knack for creating beautiful crochet patterns.
I was really happy with the large colorful project photos.
There's something for everyone!
The aspect of Fabulous and Flirty Crochet that stood out to me was the section on the yarns used in the patterns.
One page shows "actual size" photos of the yarns which makes it super easy to substitute other yarns if you want to.
For those who stay strictly to the recommended yarn in a pattern Katherine has included a yarn resource list.
The projects are very fashionable and perfect for gift giving... though I'm sure you'll have to make something for yourself :o)
I can't wait to try the Flirty Skirt and the Ruffled Strap Tank.

Get your copy of Fabulous & Flirty Crochet today!


 

=====================================================

Country Village Mall


If your home business isn't growing as fast as you'd like, maybe you need to move to a new neighborhood! Come be a part of our home and small business community at Creative Enterprises!
We bring new meaning to "networking" and resource sharing!
Sign up for your membership today at

7http://www.creativethought.com

cont.



HUMOR


 

 

 

My sister has the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle any home repair project.

For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawn mower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Pam, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.

"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.

Pam suggested, "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawn mower?"


Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading,
"Danger! Beware of Dog" posted on the glass door.
Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside
the cash register. He asked the store manager,
"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused.

"That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."


With only two tellers working at the bank, the line I was standing in was moving very slowly. As I waited, I began to fill in my withdrawal slip. Not sure of the date, I turned and asked the woman behind me.

"It's the fifth," she replied.

A man from the back of the line advised, "Don't write it in yet!"


What do you do if a goober throws a grenade at you?

>
>
>

Pull the pin and throw it back.


A city boy moved to the country and bought a mule from an old farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The mule died."

"Well, then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the mule."

"What ya gonna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?"

"I raffled him off. I sold a hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made ninety-eight dollar profit.

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back".


A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked "NO REFILLS!"


My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had.

Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it."

As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"


Two guys inherit the family ranch.
One is pretty smart and the other is a goober.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving to inspect a bull, the smart guy tells his brother,
"When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out and haul it home."
He arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides he wants to buy it.

After paying him, he drives to the nearest town to send his brother a telegram to tell him the news.
He walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my brother telling him that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need him to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help him, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the guy only has $1 left. He realizes that he'll only be able to send his brother one word. After thinking for a few minutes, he nods, and says, "I want you to send him the word "comfortable."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is he ever going to know that you want him to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send him the word, 'comfortable?'"

The smart guy explains, "My brother's a goober. The word's big. He'll read it slowly. . .

com-for-da-bul."


Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured.

One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale.
"I need to get your weight today," said the nurse.

Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"


A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"


A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"

He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"


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