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How to Start
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God Bless You!
FEATURES IN THIS ISSUE:
GENERAL
NEWS
QUESTIONS
FROM THE CNM MESSAGE BOARD
WORDS
OF ENCOURAGEMENT
BIBLE
TRIVIA
PAGES
UPDATED
NEW
LINKS
MEMBER
PATTERNS
CROCHET
STITCH or TECHNIQUE
CROCHET
TIP
VIEWER
FEEDBACK
CONTEST/GIVE-AWAY
INFORMATION
CLASSIFIED
SECTION
HUMOR
GENERAL NEWS
Dear Subscriber:
We're still updating pages and making videos.
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QUESTIONS
FROM
THE CNM MESSAGE BOARD
Post your crochet
question on
The
Crochet 'N' More Message Board
and you might see it here!
QUESTION:
RE: V-stitch baby afghan pattern
I am looking for a lost pattern that was published in a womens magazine in 1991. It was a v-stitch baby afghan with a single crochet mitered border. The afghan was featured on the cover of the magazine. I have lost the pattern and need help to find a new copy.
-- Jean
ANSWER:
This one from Lion Brand yarn sounds like it:
http://www.lionbrand.com/patterns/70118AD.html?noImages=0&r=1
Gail Brundage
WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
"“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."
~~ Corrie ten Boom ~~
In Thee our fathers trusted; they trusted, and Thou didst deliver them. To Thee they cried out, and were delivered; in Thee they trusted, and were not disappointed.
Psalm 22:4-5
Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, on those who hope for His lovingkindness, to deliver their soul from death, and to keep them alive in famine. Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our heart rejoices in Him, because we trust in His holy name. Let Thy lovingkindness, O Lord, be upon us, according as we have hoped in Thee.
Psalm 33:18-22
May Thy lovingkindnesses also come to me, O Lord, Thy salvation according to Thy word; so I shall have an answer for him who reproaches me, for I trust in Thy word. And do not take the word of truth utterly out of my mouth, for I wait for Thine ordinances. So I will keep Thy law continually, forever and ever. And I will walk at liberty, for I seek Thy precepts. I will also speak of Thy testimonies before kings, and not be ashamed. And I shall delight in Thy commandments, which I love. And I shall lift up my hands to Thy commandments, which I love; and I will meditate on Thy statutes.
Psalm 119:41-48
My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments; for length of days and years of life, and peace they will add to you. Do not let kindness and truth leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good repute in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:1-6
"TRUST IN THE LORD IS THE CURE FOR A FEARFUL SPIRIT."
This quote is from Our Daily Bread - February 2012 Issue
Check out the E-votions blog:
Be careful the environment you choose, for it will
shape you; be careful the friends you choose, for
you will become like them. - W. Clement Stone
"For
where two or three have gathered
together in My name, there I am
in their midst."
Matthew 18:20
Please click here and pray for those on our Prayer List
BIBLE TRIVIA
Fill in the blank:
According to Proverbs
"How blessed is the man who finds ________
and the man who gains ________ ."
Click
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Click here for more Bible Trivia
PAGES UPDATED
Only major page changes will be listed here.
FREE
PATTERNS
The following
patterns will be added to our Free Patterns soon.
PUFF STITCH
HEART AFGHAN SQUARE
NEW LINKS
The following link(s) have been added to our links pages.
None at this time.
(SUBSCRIBERS
SEE THESE FIRST)
However, these patterns will be added to the Crochet 'N' More
website after the next issue is sent out.
| Check out all of our free crochet patterns. | |
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CROCHET STITCH or TECHNIQUE
(A
different crochet stitch and/or tip featured in each issue...
to be added later to the Crochet Basics page)
SINGLE CROCHET DECREASE
a/k/a SINGLE CROCHET NEXT TWO STITCHES TOGETHER
(SC DEC a/k/a Sc2Tog)
Insert hook in next st, draw up a lp, (two lps on hk),
insert hook in next st, draw up a lp (3 lps on hook),
YO and draw through all 3 lps.
Watch the video:
"On-line
encyclopedia of knitting and crochet facts"
http://www.lionbrand.com/faq/learnToCrochet.pdf
Place a ball of yarn in a bowl or bucket to keep it from rolling away from you as you crochet.
Scrap Yarn Ideas ... do you have number 90?
The following
page is compilation of uses for scrap yarns:
SCRAP YARN IDEAS
If you have a use that's not listed email me!
VIEWER FEEDBACK
NOTE: Any comments left on the CNM website or sent via email may be posted here.
Leave your message in our guestbook... and it may appear in an issue of the CNM Newsletter!
RE: Post on the Crochetnmore Fan Page
Comments:
This is cute, but how do you keep the Schnauzer's fur from getting tangled into knots under the arm pits? I crochet a lot of sweaters for my Schnauzer and have learned the hard way, that anything that goes over the legs and can rub will res...ult in knots. My dog isn't fond of having the knots combed out. I was just curious. The shrug is cute, but I woulod probably not make it because I don't want my dog's fur to knot up.
Tanya Riopel
---------
He doesn't wear it a lot... but I've found that I can keep his arm pits from knotting up if I cut that hair shorter than the rest.
Crochetnmore
Hi,
How many men/boys do you think crotchet?
I learned to crotchet and knit from my next door neighbor who is long
gone now about 30 years ago.
I just started back crotcheting after a few years away from it and I
have always preferred it to knitting.
When I learned the crafts my neighbor told me she knew of quite a few
men that crotcheted/knitted.
Of course I think it is a relaxing hobby.
Dale Miller
<< reply >>
So glad you’ve picked up your hook again!
I’ve heard of pro football players knitting and crocheting to
help them relax. I think more men crochet than many may think.
One of which is "the crochet dude", Mr. Drew Emborsky.
http://www.drewemborsky.com/
He has some wonderful patterns and crochet accessories.
You may be interested in joining this group:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MenWhoCrochet/
RE: Fisherman Shells
I am fairly new to crocheting and am baffled by the following instructions:
Ch3 (counts as first dc of row) - got this
sc in next dc, work shell around stem of same dc; (Note: To work shell: Insert hook from front to back to front around vertical stem of specified dc; work shell of (sc, hdc, 3 dc around stem) sk 2 dc, in next dc; etc…
What’s confusing me is “Insert hook from front to back to front around vertical stem”
Any help you can provide would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you!
Ann
<< reply >>
It sounds like a Front Post Double Crochet... you can watch my video here:
What those instructions refer to as a “stem”... I call a “post”.
<< Ann's Reply >>
This is exactly what I needed to know.
Thank you so much for taking the time to help me.
God bless you.
Ann
Guestbook Comments:
Hello, I really enjoy this web site and I love all of the free patterns. I taught myself to crochet using some of these patterns(the easy ones) and I keep coming back. Thanks for all of the great patterns and also the links to other sites.
Stormy
Guestbook Comments:
Love seeing all the facebook shares, and checked out your site.
Very nice patterns here, and I love the ones of the dogs.
Judy
Guestbook Comments:
Thank you so much for your wonderful free patterns. Being on disability it is so nice to be able to afford to try new patterns as gifts for family and friends. Also, I was wanting to link some of your projects to my Pinterest board but I can't seem to get the images to load so they can see how beautiful they are. It does link back to your page. I think this would be a great way to get more traffic to your pages. Thanks again!
Theresa Miller
<< reply >>
Thank you for signing my Guestbook.
I’m so glad you enjoy Crochnmore.
I’m not sure why the pages don’t “pin” correctly.
Which page were you looking at?
I just followed you on Pinterest.
Here’s my Pinterest:
http://pinterest.com/crochetnmore/
I managed to pin my website but the rules ask me not to
pin away just to promote myself so I didn’t pin much.
I have been working on this for days and I am doing something wrong on the sides.
The two sides do not look the same. I cannot figure out why I can't end both rows
as row 3. Can you help me? Thanks!
Phyllis Belflower
<< reply >>
See if this video helps:
I re-worded one part of the pattern also:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/lacysummerscarf.htm
That might help also.
Guestbook Comments:
I found your site recently and I think it is great, I cannot afford to buy wool and patterns very often so it is good I can get patterns for free, I also enjoy knitting and crocheting for charity.
Elaine Browne
RE: Shamrock Coaster
WHAT DOES "hk" MEAN IN THIS PATTERN?
I'M A NEW CROCHETER. ANDREA
<< reply >>
hk is hook... just one of my personal abbreviations that I listed by accident.
Note: I have changed "hk" to hook on the pattern page.
Just found your website and wanted to confirm that crochet instructions are
shown for the USA .
Thanks Kate
<< reply >>
Yes, my patterns contain US terms.
I'm in Kentucky, USA.
Re: Question
I am trying to do the bible cover and do have a problem on round 22 as well as the reverse stiches.
Appreciate your help.
Thank you for your efforts in providing these beautiful patterns.
Thanks a million...
Abi
<< reply >>
You’re very welcome Abi... hope I can clear this up for you.
For round 22 you work two single crochet stitches around the post of each double crochet
along the row ends.
Then work one single crochet in each unworked loop along the foundation chain.
Work two single crochet stitches around the post of each double crochet along the rows ends
on the next side... then join with a slip stitch in the first single crochet on Round 21.
Now chain 1 and do not turn.
So...
Watch this video I did for the edging on our Basketweave Coaster pattern:
at the very first of the video I join the new yarn and then I talk about working single crochet stitches
around the post of each post stitch in the pattern. You do the same thing with the Bible Cover... work
your two single crochet stitches around the post of each double crochet along the row ends.
Working into each unworked loop means you are crocheting into the loop that is left over where
you worked each stitch along the foundation chain.
Round 23 uses the reverse single crochet stitch...
you can watch the Reverse Single Crochet stitch demonstrated in this video:
Subject: help with a pattern
I have enjoyed your patterns online. So pretty. I bought crochet cotton and steel hooks. I wanted to make crocheted cross bookmarks for my church to give out in times of trouble. However I just cannot crochet! I tried repeatedly. Do you know of a knit pattern for a knit cross bookmark? I looked on line and cant find anything but lace bookmarks. I want a cross bookmark. Any help would be so appreciated.
Valerie
<< reply >>
I found couple of knitted cross bookmark patterns:
http://worstedwhimsies.blogspot.com/2011/07/quick-simple-cross-bookmark-free.html
http://wicketstich.blogspot.com/2007/02/angel-lace-heirloom-cross.html
If you would like to try crocheting again try this page:
http://www.crochetnmore.com/123basics-beginner.html
<< Valerie's Reply >>
Good morning, I saw these two earlier but didnt think they were pretty enough. I have been playing with the crochet cotton and number two knitting needles and that feels right so far. I will pay for a knit pattern as long as I can make knitted cross bookmarks for the church with it.
Any contacts or ideas?
thanks
Val
<< my reply >>
I finally found a knitted bookmark pattern for purchase:
http://www.heartstringsfiberarts.com/a98.shtm
didn’t realize how scarce those are.
If I ever get good at designing knit patterns I’ll try one.
<< Valerie's Reply >>
Lisa! What a find! I will order one today. Thanks a zillion. I wrote her to see if I can knit some for church. I cant believe you remembered to look for me. If you see anymore, let me know.
hugs
Val
Comments on How to Crochet - How to Wind a Yarn Ball:
Would you show us how to find the center pull thread in a new skein of yarn? Sometimes I get go aggravated trying to find that thread and wreck the skein in the process. I prefer to use my thread from the center of the skein but sometimes it isn't worth the hassle!!
When do you wind your yarn from a akein? I tend to only do it after the skein has been used from the center and has gotten "floppy" or loose. Thank you for snaring your experience with us. It is greatly appreciated
jcrefasi1
-----
thank you so much for this one, Lisa! I have had a real problem using center-pull skeins after I get about 3/4 of the way through the project. The yarn tends to tie itself into knots, Now all I have to do is pause long enough to wind the yarn into a center-pull ball when the skein gets to that point. thanks bunches!
chasmom
-----
New Video Posted:
How to Crochet - How to Wind a Center Pull Ball of Yarn
Subject: Question PLEASE
Good day to you.
My name is Petro and I am a Senior Citizen, writing to you from South Africa –at the moment it is winter in our Country and really- really very cold!!!
I wonder if I could PLEASE ask you to help me look/find a VERY (OLD FASHIONED) pattern for a LACEY CROCHET SHRUG/BEDJACKET.
The specific pattern I am looking for is very plain type pattern – it is a square crochet piece which is then folded over and sewn under the arms (I think) – I did find a bolero and also a crochet shrug pattern which is done like this – but both is just in a plain crochet pattern.
The one I saw (when visiting someone in hospital) was done in a shell pattern –(used as a bedjacket) done in a square- then folded over and then sewn together under the arms BUT it looks like they then went back and crochet an extra frill, also in shell stitch - around the entire square which then forms a wider fold- over collar piece and then obviously also extends the length of the jacket. The sleeve part also has this extra wide frill crocheted on afterwards which then forms like a bell-type wide frilly sleeve – TOOO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!
PLEASE IF ANYONE CAN HELP ME WITH A PATTERN LIKE THIS – I WOULD BE OVER THE MOON.
I am sure a more proficient chrocheter would be able to do this without a pattern – but I am not THAT good YET!! J
With Thanks and regards,
Petronella Heyns
<< reply >>
This pattern sounds similar to what you described:
http://www.antiquecrochetpatterns.com/dressing-jacket.html
Here are a couple more you might enjoy:
http://www.knitting-crochet.com/crochet/bedjac.html
http://web.archive.org/web/20000510065442/http://www.cei.net/~vchisam/groovy/ghc38.html
RE: Post on the Crochetnmore Fan Page
http://www.crochetnmore.com/babypigtailhat.htm
Comments:
Aww, I'll HAVE to make this for my Ashton Drake baby! TY!
Amy Rudolph
-----
I've made several of these. I even adjusted the pattern for my brother-in-law who wanted one for himself. Just measure the circumference of the person's head and divide by two to get the starting width, and measure from the forhead (about the middle) up and over to the back of the neck to get the length before folding up to sew. With this formula, you can make it for anyone!
Jodi N Scott Mayes
RE: Post on the Crochetnmore Fan Page
I am looking for a free pattern for a "teddy bed". It is a net that is hung in the corner of the room to hold teddy bears and other stuffed animals. I had a pattern many yrs ago that I made for my daughters now I need one to make for my granddaughters. Please help me if you can.
Liz Woods
Comments:
Try this pattern:
http://www.wikihow.com/Crochet-a-Toy-Storage-Hammock
Crochetnmore
-----
Thank you. I found that they are no longer called "teddy beds" when I started my search.
Liz Woods
RE: Post on the Crochetnmore Fan Page
Crochet Tip:
Don't be afraid to try different types of materials. I've crocheted with regular yarn, specialty yarns, fabric, embroidery floss, thread, & rope to name a few. You can create very interesting items when you change the material used in a project.
--------
Besides regular and specialty yarn... I've crocheted little delicate thread butterflies. Made crocheted (and knitted) beaded rope necklaces. I've even crocheted with wire. It makes an interesting bracelet.
I agree. Be fearless!
Dana Armstrong
--------
Cut plastic grocery sacks into loops. Join them together (kind of tie them). Wind up a bunch of them to create a ball. Crochet away! There's a Utube video out ther somewhere!
Walli Osborn Martinez
--------
Walli: I actually have a page on how to prepare the bags... I'll post it for everyone to see.
Crochetnmore
---------
Just making sure you saw this video about making "plarn":
Tip posted on Google+
Crochet Tip:
For motivation while working on a large project, mark the first stitch each day so you can see how much you've accomplished. This actually motivates me to see just how much I can do each day.
Comment:
Love that idea, thank you
Alexandra Lopez
RE: Post on the Crochetnmore Fan Page
One of the many Baby's ABC's Afghans I've made.
I haven't made this one yet, but it's on my to do list.
Carol Rivera- Stive
-------
Have made this for several baby showers. It's always a hit. Not hard to do. One I made I made the letters in pink and the other puff stitch blocks in blue. Took a while, but was very pretty.
Jarra Poe
-------
I've made more of these than I can remember. I'm working on one now in multiple colors... I'll post a picture when I finish.
Crochetnmore
-------
Wish I had a pictrue of the one I did.
Jarra Poe
-------
I've added written tips to the pattern page for this afghan and included a video link explaining how to read the graph.
Crochetnmore
-------
This has been on my todo list for so long :/ I really need to make one!
Kath Baer
I made one in yellow for my baby 4 years ago and she hates it. I feel so bad. I'm saving it for one of her kids.
Rebecca O'Brien
RE: Post on the Crochetnmore Fan Page
Crochet Tip:
Cover a piece of heavy cardboard with checkered fabric to use for blocking crocheted pieces. Pins stick easily in the cardboard, and the checks give an accurate guideline.
Comment:
Great suggestion!
Peggy Drake
RE: Post on the Crochetnmore Fan Page
I just realized I can contribute a crochet tip!
My sister and I use empty oatmeal canisters for our yarn when we're
working on a large project. We cut a small hole in the lid and feed the
yarn through there.
Sherry Lynn Tenhundfeld
RE: Post on the Crochetnmore Fan Page
Cute Crochet Doll
http://www.favecrafts.com/Crochet-Amigurumi/Cute-Crochet-Doll
oh keep them coming I have a few little girls that will love these
Lori Corby-Brown
------
I am going to start making dolls to hand out for Christmas next year . There a lot of names of children on the giving tree . We also make up boxes for shoe box ministries .
Kathy Huff
------
That's a great idea Kathy Huff!
Crochetnmore
RE: Post on the Crochetnmore Fan Page
Crochet Tip: Insert the pattern you are working from in a plastic sheet
protector and use a dry erase marker to mark off the rows completed.
Comments:
I use a gallon zip lock bag!
Colleen Smith
---------
yep i do that. plus they clip right back in notebook for easy keeping.
Ann Polk Watkins
---------
Same here too Ann and Colleen if I don't have a clear notebook sheet I use a clear Baggie and sometimes Arran wrap
Nancy Grant
---------
The best little gadget I've found is a clicker to keep track of my rows. The plastic sleeve IS a good idea, tho! :0)
Kathy Wefel
---------
Love that!
Walli Osborn Martinez
RE: Post on the Crochetnmore Fan Page
Sugar'n Cream - Back to School Lily Doll (crochet)
http://www.sugarncream.com/pattern.php?PID=5417&cps=21191
Comments:
oh thank you for sharing this
Lori Corby-Brown
------
You're welcome Lori... I thought it was cute!
Crochetnmore
------
I have already raided my stash to bring her to life gonna let my daughter decide on how i do her hair :DD
Lori Corby-Brown
------
Love her, thanks
Sherri McLaughlin
Visit the Crochetnmore Facebook page
to read what viewers are saying about our patterns and videos.
Kind
words can be short and easy to speak,
but their echoes are truly endless.
Mother Teresa
CONTEST/GIVEAWAY INFORMATION
The
information provided below is strictly for your enjoyment.
Enter the new contest
at Creative Enterprises !
CLASSIFIED SECTION
Got something you'd like to
sell ?
Looking for a particular item to buy?
Put your ad here to be seen
by approximately 5,500 crafters...
Click here to place an advertisement in our Classified Section.
~ ~ ~ YOUR AD COULD GO HERE! ~ ~ ~
Do you know a little girl that doesn't have a baby to hold and care for?
Please visit our site and click on request a doll on the left hand side of the site.
If you need a teddy bear for a little boy please add next to their information
on the request for that it’s for a little boy so we know to send a teddy..
http://www.mollysbabies.org
while your there visit are many pages, we have a volunteer application page
with all the information on there.
We also have Santa letter's, items for sale.. all proceeds goes to Molly's Babies inc.
Right now to keep Molly's Babies Inc running we need your support. so please visit
our site today and see if you can help out with something..
how you can help page
and a lot more. stop by and check us out.. look forward to your visit.
Click here for ways you can help!
Mary B.
Molly's Babies Inc.
P.O. Box 308
Versailles, CT. 06383
https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=WY3PT9P5P4JAL
Newsletter
http://oi.vresp.com?fid=439e0bb678
Blog:
http://mollys-babies.blogspot.com/
The Buddy Bulletin Newspapers
Stream Your Tweets Outward - To The Wider World
The Website: http://www.buddybulletin.com/
The Blog: http://buddybulletinblog.blogspot.com/
The Buddy Bulletin Newspaper: http://paper.li/SuperEB/1322068502
The Buddy Bulletin #Crafts: http://paper.li/SuperEB/1324399824
cont.
Unique photos at reasonable prices!
Get Your Home In Order!
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Here
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cont
cont.
Get your copy of the Gas Mileage Guide today!
http://www.gasmileageguide.com/
There's also a free Version available.
http://www.gasmileageguide.com/freepreview.htm
Also make sure to check out almost daily tips for
saving money
and having fun without breaking the bank.
http://www.gasmileageguide.com/gas-savings-blog/
cont.
This book
is a wonderful addition to any crochet library.
I've had numerous requests over the years of what to crochet for
boys.
Crobots are definitely the answer!
This 96-page book is filled with numerous types of Crobot patterns
as well as well-illustrated instructions for the
crochet stitches, assembly stitches and other embellishments used
in the patterns.
The patterns are well written, some of the book is written in a
small font but the pictures are wonderful. NOTE:
This book comes to you with a safety warning regarding the small
parts used in the patterns.
Therefore, please use your own discretion as to the age of the child
you intend the gift for.
I have to tell you about this new book.
SweaterBabe.com's Fabulous & Flirty Crochet
I'm so happy to have it in my crochet library.Katherine Lee has an eye for style and a definite knack for creating
beautiful crochet patterns.
I was really happy with the large colorful project photos.
There's something for everyone!
The aspect of Fabulous and Flirty Crochet that stood out to me was
the section on the yarns
used in the patterns. One page shows "actual size" photos
of the yarns which makes it super
easy to substitute other yarns if you want to. For those who stay
strictly to the recommended
yarn in a pattern Katherine has included a yarn resource list. The
projects are very fashionable
and perfect for gift giving... though I'm sure you'll have to make
something for yourself :o)
I can't wait to try the Flirty Skirt and the Ruffled Strap Tank.
Get your copy of Fabulous & Flirty Crochet today!
=====================================================
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growing as fast as you'd like, maybe you need to move to a new neighborhood!
Come be a part of our home and small business community at Creative
Enterprises!
We bring new meaning to "networking" and resource sharing!
Sign up for your membership today at
7http://www.creativethought.com
cont.
HUMOR
|
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Laughter is an instant vacation." - Milton Berle
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"
The trainer replied, “Use the ATM outside the gym!!!"
Science Quotes from Kids
~ H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
~ Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
~ Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
~ Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
~ The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader.
~ Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
~ Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.
Dad's pager went off, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist.
As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him--lights flashing. Dad hung his stethoscope
out the window to
signal that he was on an emergency call.
Within seconds, came the police officer's hand in response, dangling a
pair of handcuffs out the window.
Every year, it seems, we would get on a highway
a few miles out of the city, and mom would wail,
"Oh my goodness! I think left the iron on." And
almost every year we would turn around and go
back.
But as I recall, not once was it was ever
plugged in. She often had the same
fear that all our earthly
possessions would disappear in a fire caused by her forgetfulness.
When I was about 14 years old, we were headed
out of Chicago for Lake Geneva, Wisconsin and,
sure enough, Mom gasped, "I just know I left the iron on. "
My father didn't say a word, just pulled over
onto the shoulder of the road, got out, opened
the trunk and handed her the iron.
Employee: Excuse me, sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well, sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a
raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I
decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the
current economic downturn has had a negative impact on
sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard
work, proactiveness, and loyalty to this company for over a
decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I
don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you
a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.
How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, the Gas Company, the
Water Company, and the Mortgage Company!
Two men went fishing. One man was an experienced fisherman, the other wasn't. Every time the experienced fisherman caught a big fish, he put it in his ice chest to keep it fresh. Whenever the inexperienced fisherman caught a big fish, he threw it back. The experienced fisherman watched this go on all day and finally got tired of seeing this man waste good fish.
"Why do you keep throwing back all the big fish you catch?" he asked.
The inexperienced fisherman replied, "I only have a small frying pan."
A man walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist,
"Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"Do you mean aspirin?" asks the pharmacist.
"That's it! I can never remember that word!"
Jill's car was unreliable and she called John
for a ride every time it broke down. One day
John got yet another one of those calls.
"What happened this time?" he asked.
"My brakes went out," Jill said.
"Can you come and get me?"
"Where are you?" John asked.
"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.
"And where's the car?" John asked.
Jill replied, "It's in here with me."
A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.
One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer Condill's henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!"
The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.
The young boy protested vigorously when his mother asked him to take his little sister along fishing.
“The last time she came,” he objected, “I didn’t catch a single fish.”
“I’ll talk to her,” his mother said, “and I promise this time she won’t make any noise.”
“It wasn’t the noise, Mom,” the boy replied.
“She ate all my bait.”
My husband is a service technician for an exterminating company.
One of the rules is that he must confirm his appointments by phone the
night before a service call.
One evening, he called a customer and said to the man who answered, "Hi,
This is Garry from the pest-control company -- your wife phoned us."
There was silence for a moment, and then my husband heard the man say,
"Honey, someone wants to speak to you about your relatives."
Outraged by the high charges that the computer
service wanted for repair work, one employee
asked her co-worker which service she used.
"My sons," was the reply. "They both have
degrees in Computer science."
"So you get that kind of work done for nothing,"
the friend marveled.
The co-worker smiled. "Actually, I figured that it cost me about $140,000 for my kids to fix my computer for free."
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